I had a dream about you last night. That sounds sweet, right? A dream about the girl I’m supposed to marry. The dream started off nice. I spoke of wedding plans. And then…I dreamed that I found out you were cheating on me with your ex, that guy… I was upset in the dream. And then you got angry at me even though you were the one who cheated. You tried to kill me. I remember in the dream locking the doors and calling the police, terrified.
This probably isn’t a dream I should have about someone I’m supposed to have a future with. I wonder this dream is telling me about you and our relationship? Is it a warning?
I need to end it. I have to stop this. The storm warning is blaring in my ears, telling me of a tornado in the distance. It’s screaming at me to move but I have been frozen in place for so long. I have to get out before the storm swallows me whole. I guess I’m just afraid that even if I move, there will be damage that I don’t want to clean up. I don’t want to be alone.
I hate that you have made me into this person, someone who uses people…someone who would rather settle than be alone. I hate that you have made me into a liar, telling everyone we will spend our lives together while I’m counting down the days until our relationship self-destructs. Things didn’t start out this way. I used to feel something special. But one day I realized you are insane. You’re like a human roller coaster, always up and down. I can’t take it. You’re driving me mad. I hate that you don’t even try to be a better person. I hate that everyone thinks you’re great when you are nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
There’s that quote that says something about how death doesn’t happen to you, it happen to the people around you. That’s true. I cannot describe the pain of losing my cousin. In my nearly 21 years of life I have lost so many people that sometimes it makes me wonder why I’m the one still here. Do I have a purpose or am I meant to suffer? Is my life just one big funeral? I don’t even want to think about losing anyone else.
I will never understand why he only got eighteen years. His life was just beginning and then it was over before any of us knew it. 3 years ago around this time I was in the mental hospital. I was thinking of a thousand different ways to kill myself. I was determined to die. He was visiting me there making jokes and talking about hot girls. Him and his mom brought me bible to read. He had such faith in his religion. It’s so hard to have faith but I try.
I just don’t know why people who want to die get to live but people who loved life have to die. I feel like if any of us were going to die young it should have been me.
I’m not suicidal anymore but death is something that will hang over me like black cloud. The pain of losing him will never fade. There is always going to be a hole in my heart and my life where he used to be.
This easter I thought a lot about easter two years ago. I thought about going outside watching my cousin AJ skateboarding and helping my sister to skateboard. I took pictures as always. My sister makes fun of me for taking so many pictures all the time but these pictures are such cherished memories now. I watched old silly videos of AJ tonight and called his phone number just to hear his voice again. At easter, the Pastor spoke about how death can effects us, how it can hang over you like a dark cloud all of the time. Someone once said death doesn’t happen to you, it happens to those people who loved you. And I think that’s true in a way. The Pastor also told us that in order to have our eternal lives with Jesus, we must die first. I know that AJ is partying in heaven with Jesus now. I’ll never know why AJ’s life was such a short one I have to be thankful for the time I had with him. I have to thank God for blessing me with such an amazing cousin to love and cherish forever even after he’s gone. I have to take comfort knowing that he’s happy and someday we’ll be reunited. My birthday is coming up and I wish so much that he was here. I keep saying I hate getting older but I have to remember I’m blessed to be alive because not everyone gets to live a long life.
We’ve been here so many times before. You can’t even try to put the blame on me. Well, you do try but it’s clearly a guilty last ditch attempt to cleanse yourself of your sins. I bought you a gift today, just because. I sent you sweet messages thinking I’d fix things for us. But you never stop. You’re a hurricane, wild and out of control and you want to bring everyone down with you. I won’t let you. I came prepared. I’ll destroy you before you could ever think about destroying me.
If you love me, let me go.
— Panic! At the Disco, This is Gospel (via ceemplified
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