So I finally forced myself to watch the Fake your own death thing. I wasn’t impressed when I got the e-mail about it but after a while I finally decided to see it. It brought tears to my eyes. And this is why…I miss that time in my life when I first found MCR. I miss believing in heroes. Its so sad that these guys I loved so much and looked up to for all those years, who became a part of my life and who I am today, let me and all of the fans down in such a poor disgraceful way. They are no longer the people I loved. They are no longer heroes. They are…a joke.
Why are the people at my church such assholes? Aren’t church people supposed to be nice?
Like I’m sorry I haven’t been to church, my parents don’t drive me and they won’t let me drive so what do you want from me? Yeah, my parents are pieces of shit. But you don’t see that, do you? You didn’t see my own family hitting me. You didn’t hear the things they said to me. No. You just want to sit there and judge me when you know nothing.
Life is such hell sometimes. It was my cousin’s birthday yesterday and that was so difficult. He died this September in a car accident suddenly. He would have been 19 this year. I feel bad now for making fun of the cake he had last year made of Twinkies and I refused to eat it. I didn’t know it was his last birthday…
I heard sirens outside tonight and I nearly had a heart attack. All I could think was don’t let them be going to my sister. I knew she was out there in her friend’s car tonight. This stupid car accident fucked me up (as if I wasn’t already fucked up.)
My sister wouldn’t let me hang out with her and her friends tonight and broke my heart by saying she needed to get away from me and that she can’ tell me everything like she used to. I don’t know what changed. I already lost my cousin I can’t lose her too. She’s all I have.
I’m so sick of people. I don’t deserve the way they treat me. Especially, my own family. Like what gives you the right to treat me that way? What makes you special? "Only I have the right to hurt you" No, you’re my parent, you shouldn’t hurt me at all. Your job is to love me. You tell me not to have kids well I can guarantee I’ll be a better parent than you.
I’ll settle for you as usual because I have no one else but you piss me off.
I have nowhere to go, no one else, nowhere to run to. This is my life and it’s a fucking nightmare.
I wish I had more pills to take or that alcohol in the cabinet that I could mix with my Ativan.
I want to cut. I miss it. It’s not even that I’m really upset. I am kind of depressed but I just really have this urge to cut. It’s so hard not to. I like cutting. It makes me feel good. I love looking at the cuts. I like watching them heal. I like running my hands over them. I like marking my body with scars. I love my body. I am proud of my body. My scars are just a part of me. I like them. I compare my scars with other people’s scars. I touch their scars. I find their scars just as attractive as my own. Our scars tell stories. Our scars are beautiful. And I am insane. I am an addict. And you know what they say, once an addict always an addict.
Poetic Chaos turned 3 today!
2013 has been one of the worst years of my life. There were positive things but mostly I am ready to say goodbye to this year.
-I turned 20.
-I lost my grandfather to cancer.
-I became an author.
-I started teaching preschool age kids for sunday school at church.
-I watched my 18 year old cousin graduate. We didn’t think he’d be able to do it and we were so happy. This September he died suddenly in a car accident.
-I developed PTSD over my cousin’s death.
-My depression returned after my cousin’s death.
-After my cousin’s death I started questioning my religious faith.
-Church has become a stressful place for me to be because of the people in it.
-I made it to two years of barely ever cutting. I know that’s not as good as never cutting but this year I think I have cut maybe 5 times and not at all the year before this. That’s progress.
Less than two hours away from the new year. I keep thinking about my cousin wishing that he was here. I had a dream about him and woke up crying. I have a cold. I feel absolutely horrible. I feel depressed about everything. I feel afraid and alone. I don’t know what the future holds but I really hope it’s something good. 2014, please be good to me because I can’t take anymore of this. I just want to be happy.
Christmas without you
Just a couple more hours and I have to go to our family Christmas party. I’m all dressed up and ready to go. But I don’t know how to make it through tonight.
Every year at the holidays it was me and my cousin. We were so close. He was my best friend. We would always sit together and talk about girls and cars and all kinds of things. We told each other everything. And now he’s gone.
Why? Why did my cousin have to die at eighteen? It’s been 3 months today that we got the call saying he’d been in a car accident and he might not make it. I hoped he’d pull through. I couldn’t imagine that I would lose him. That’s something that happened to other people, not me. God wouldn’t do that to me, I said. And now I don’t even know if there’s a God or not but if God does exist then God is cruel.
I feel like no one really understands how I feel. I try to talk about it. I try to reach out to people and it’s just a mess. I have nightmares about missing my cousin. He’s constantly on my mind. I feel so lost without him. I’m so broken. Even though I think about him all the time, hearing about him or having memories about him always feels like a punch in the gut.
How do I do this without him? Put on a smile, act happy, they tell me. It’s Christmas. But how am I supposed to smile when he’s gone? I don’t know how to get through this…
Let’s see how many Ativan I can take tonight to numb the pain. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel anything.
Anonymous asked: :) God bless you too beautiful soul:) I remember when I use to feel the same way you felt I cried hard and I said "God make me feel like you love me, that you care, please God" Out of no where "Psalms 139" popped into my head. Never READ PSALMS IN MY LIFE. So i opened my bible and read the chapter. Made me know that He loves me and he is with me in sad times. Read it! :) and I couldnt believe he spoke to me. Read Psalm 139 ! Be blessed :)
Thank you. I did go read it now. It did help a little and your messages have helped as well. It means so much to me and gives me a little more hope.