Poetic Chaos

Sep 17

I don’t know but I’m really sad that my group once again didn’t have a keytag for me. It took me months to get my hands on my welcome tag finally since they ran out of them and then I try to get my 30 days one since I’m definitely over 30 days now (I wish I knew my exact clean date but I don’t. I know sometime in July, that’s all) and no. They were out of those too.

I get that recovery isn’t all about collecting tags. I guess I’m jus disappointed because I was really looking forward to adding it to my key chain finally and showing it off to my friends. Now I feel like I’m gonna’ look like a poser or something when I go for my 60 days since my keychain only has the white welcome tag. Ugh.

Sep 15

Mark Ruffalo

Mark Ruffalo

Sep 15
strawberriesgonewild:

Thanks for Sharing (2012)

strawberriesgonewild:

Thanks for Sharing (2012)

Sep 15
Sep 15
Sep 15

onlylivingwitness:

Thanks For Sharing (2012)

Sep 15

"I just remembered, your father needs the car. He’s going bowling tonight."

The aforementioned father is within hearing distance and does not saying anything so this must be true. He wants to take the car.

"You better leave now," my mother tells me.

I’m literally in the middle of eating dinner. I’m not ready at all. But I grab the library books I need to return and rush off to the library. I hurry to get back in time. When I arrive home the aforementioned father announces that he is not taking the car after all.

I’m not happy about this so I tell him “You could have told me.”

He explains that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to take long at the library. What he doesn’t say aloud is that he wants to control me.

I explain to him that I wasn’t going to take long at the library, I just would have liked to know I had time to finish my dinner before leaving because now my food is cold.

He yells at me telling me that I better eat it and he will only be serving me cold leftover food more often and if I don’t eat it then I will have to go without eating.

This is the man my mother calls “a good man”. Just the other day he brought me a chocolate bar from the store. I forgot to say thank you. He flipped out. My mother told me “He does everything for you. You need to appreciate him.”

So apparently bringing home a candy bar makes you a saint. No, it’s just more of his control tactics. It’s like ‘I bought you something now you can’t say I treat you badly and leave.’

No, my mother is blind to this.

Blind to his controlling ways. Blind to the constant verbal abuse that makes me feel like dying. Blind to the physical abuse. Because I “deserved to be punished for crying.” And well “Kids need fear so they learn respect.” No, respect is not fear. I don’t respect him at all, a big 300 pound asshole bullying a tiny 100 pound girl. I fear him. I am afraid he will kill me. That’s why I ran away that day. That’s why I cower in my bed at night when I hear him walking towards the stairs, praying to God he isn’t coming for me. That is not a father. That is a monster.

But silly me I’m “just exaggerating.”

Sep 14
Sep 14

So I have decided to go to an NA meeting again. I haven’t been to one since I parted ways with my fiancé. I don’t know my exact clean date but it’s been over a month. So I decided I should get my 30 day tag and try to go to meetings at least once month. I’ve always been good at recovery on my own for the most part but I think it can be good to have NA in my life anyway just be safe.

I don’t know the people in the group where I live. I used to go with my fiancé to a different group and there were so many great people there that I really miss. I’m sure that my fiancé has told them all kinds of terrible things about me now. She insists still that I’m not clean and how terrible I am. But I don’t let that negativity get to me.

I am living a happy healthy clean life. I am moving on in the right direction. I am proud of myself. The strangers in NA will be proud of me too when I get that key tag. That’s all I need. I will surround myself with good people. I will focus on my own happiness and recovery. I will walk in with my head held high and accept the tag and the hugs I earned. I will make an effort to get to know these people so that I can call them friends because they are the type of friends I need.

Sep 10

quote wearing our vintage misery
no i think it looked a little better on me
i’m gonna change you like a remix
then i’ll raise you like a phoenix